Do you Dare to Purge your way to Thin?

Thin...Thinner...Thinnest, may you never rest, until your thin is thinner and your thinner, thinnest!

I always saw myself as mildly fat. Looking back at childhood photos, I realise I wasn't nearly as fat as I imagined. My best friend was skinny, and next to her, I felt big and fat. I could grab hold of flesh and fat, (perfectly normal), yet I thought this was extra weight.

Until I reached 25 y/o I had never really worried too much about my weight. As a young married woman, I was cooking wholesome meals, and of course eating them. I got married straight out of home. I never really enjoyed my moms cooking, so I mostly ate bread. Now the cooked meals where catching up on me and adding up. Also my husband had a large appetite and ate larger portion sizes. My portion sizes increased gradually without me noticing. Within 2 years I had gained 10 kg. I studied and lived away from home for 5 months. In this time being away from my husband, I didn't need to worry about meal preparation and kept things simple and reasonably healthy, and lost the additional 10 kg over the 5 months. On returning home, I got so many compliments for how good I looked. Amazing what 10 kg can do to your appearance.

I went through a very health conscious period, where I learned about correct eating. This programme taught you how and when to eat. Which foods should or shouldn't be eaten with particular foods. It was rather complicated. I simplified things and pretty much lived on fruit and nuts. I was so focused and disciplined. I was so thin. Probably the thinnest I've ever been.

Roll forward many years and kids. The older me, was a happy me. I'm sure once again, the meal proportions had gradually increased. I was spending a fair amount of money on groceries. Not that we were big into luxuries or over the top recipes. But eating properly, following the standard diet of bread and cereals, meats, fish,  rice, fruit, vegetable, cheeses, yogurts, etc doesn't come cheap. Throw in the occasional take away/restaurant meal and the grocery bill soars. I had gained 10 kilograms again. This time it didn't bother me too much. However gradually add another 9kg and I almost weighed 80 kg. The Big looming 8-0 was too much to bear. I was becoming my mother! Heaven forbid...My mother is huge and fat! Eeek! One more kilogram, and I would officially classify myself as Fat, with a Big, Capital "F!" The dreaded F word was loaded with so much emotion. (About that another time)

I tried cutting back, skipping meals, slimming pills, etc. They all worked to a degree, however the moment I relaxed a bit, the weight quickly returned. So I experienced the classic yo-yo effect. Down a bit, up a bit, repeat. Lose a few, up a few and I could never break through losing more than just a few. So frustrating.

I was determined not accept my lot and accept that as I get older it is tougher to lose weight. I realised that if I relax and make peace with my weight, I was doomed to continue to slowly grow bigger and bigger. No way!

I am not into exercising, besides I'm told weight loss is 80% what you eat. I just have to eat less. Do you know just how little you need to eat? Next to nothing. If you are not used to normal portion sizes , it seems impossible. Many fat people think they don't eat much. However, follow a proper meal plan for someone your age and goal weight and you realise, whoa! I'm eating too much. Habits like smoking, going to bed early, loving sport, _______ (add whatever you obsess about) is tough to adjust, let alone break/change. And you have the mental voices telling you how hungry you are. If you are struggling with additional weight, you know what I'm talking about.

I had previously thought about purging my food, but didn't know how, its not easy to throw up on demand. Besides I had heard the horror stories of anorexia/bulimia. Scary stuff. Getting addicted to purging, or seeing your skinny self as fat would not be good either. Robbing my body of nutrition doesn't make sense. I just wanted a way to get rid of the extra calories. Those "not good for my health fries", those sweet delights that always tasted like more. I wasn't a disciplined saint. I knew I didn't need dessert after a meal, but if its there on offer, for the taking, how can I refuse the dreamy, creamy, delicious, soft, rich and frothy chocolate mousse. Wouldn't it be good to hit the eject button. No regret, just eject.

To purge or not to purge?

I started researching purging. I found it rather difficult to get information. It is considered a health risk and many websites refuse any information relating to anorexia or bulimia. I am not pro ana, however, using the purging strategy did help me breakthrough my barrier of losing weight. I relaxed, however ate well (no junk/chocolates/less calories than usual). We weight stuck again. This is disappointing. Going without, restricting calories and being good without reward sucks. I decided that I am going to include purging in my diet again. I don't like doing it, much like I don't like exercising. But I do both, as I want to lose some weight,so that I can feel and look good. I don't want to get fatter. This blog, is about my journey. My strategies, my thinking. What works for me. What doesn't work for me. My strategies may or may not work for you. You are your own person, you make your own decisions. Do your own research, make up your own mind. I am not a doctor or health professional. Just a regular woman, who is lazy, loves food, but refuses to gain weight. Honestly, I don't want to be skinny. I do want to be thin, but not bony thin. Curvy looks healthy. Toned looks fit. Follow my story for what I eat/avoid and how/when I purge.